“Jessica, you’re rich.”
I looked up quizzically, a pad thai noodle hanging from the side of my mouth. My friend Anna’s comment caught me off guard.
“It’s true,” my husband Aman chimed in.
The three of us were catching up for the first time since Anna had returned from Australia. I had just shared a general life update — nothing about money.
“You have the richest life out of anyone I know,” said Anna, smiling at my confusion. “You have so much joy and you spread it to everyone around you.”
Her words made my heart swell. Moments from the past week drifted through my mind:
Waking up to a string of sweet messages from close friends.
Joking with colleagues and feeling proud of how much we’ve accomplished.
Receiving a note from a reader moved by my book.
Taking a peaceful walk beneath blossoming trees with Aman.
I really do have a rich life now, I thought to myself. I’ve come a long way.
It was a stark contrast to my reality years earlier, when I had lost my sense of Self.
The wake-up call
Like many people, I was a high-achiever and chronic people-pleaser whose life orbited around work and the expectations of others. Years of dismissing my own needs and desires eventually led to stress, anxiety, and burnout.
A particularly intense therapy session woke me up to how bad I had let things get. When I was guided to envision my inner Self, I saw her beaten down and exhausted on the floor. I realized that something had to change.
As a designer, one of the core principles that guide my work is being “user-centred” — creating products and services based on the needs of the people we serve.
I began to wonder: Am I not the main user of my own life?
This is when I decided to embrace a “me-centred” life.
A new way of seeing
Putting my own face at the centre of my life was a simple-yet-radical reframe.
It meant acknowledging my own needs and desires, which helped me realize that my life was very out of alignment. I had given up too much of myself in some areas, and I had neglected areas that were important to me.
With this clarity, I was empowered to make new choices:
I found roles better aligned with my strengths and growth ambitions
I made time for creative projects that energize me
I distanced myself from one-sided relationships, making room for heart-centred ones to grow
I invested in therapy to heal my relationship with my mother
I committed to eating better, exercising, and being fully rested
Over time, these changes have added up to more joy, flow, connection, and calm - “a rich life” as Anna would say. In prioritizing my well-being, I’ve been able to show up even more fully for the causes and people I care about.
A me-centred life is not about being selfish. It’s about having greater self-awareness, personal agency, and balance.
Anyone can shift towards a me-centred life. If this sounds compelling to you, here’s a simple exercise to help you get started:
Step 1: Do an energy audit
Notice what’s currently taking up space in your life, and whether it gives you energy or drains it.
Step 2: Draw your ideal life garden
Imagine what a more nourished, balanced version of your life would look like.
Step 3: Start small, start now
Choose easy actions that bring your real life a little closer to that vision today.
Step 1: Do an energy audit
An energy audit helps you get clear on what is nourishing you and what is draining you — physically, mentally, and emotionally. It gives you a birds-eye view across all aspects of your life.
Start by asking yourself:
What activities and people are most present in my life?
Which of these give me energy?
Which of these take away energy?
On a piece of paper, draw each person or activity as a blob, adjusting its size based on how much time or energy it occupies in your life.
Colour nourishing blobs green. Colour draining blobs red. Some blobs may contain both.
As an example, Bobby has been feeling exhausted over the past few months. He does his energy audit to understand what may be behind this:
Work: Bobby finds the mission meaningful, but he’s been asked to fill a role that he doesn’t enjoy and requires him to work regular overtime.
Grandma: Bobby’s beloved grandma has dementia. He goes to her nursing home each week to help care for her. He finds it emotionally challenging when she has outbursts and can’t remember who he is.
Martha (cousin): Martha calls him regularly to complain about the same relationship and money problems. She doesn’t listen to his advice, and he finds her long calls to be very tiring.
Ryan (friend): Ryan’s a new friend from the climbing gym who Bobby enjoys hanging out with.
Art: Painting brings Bobby a lot of calm and joy, but he hasn’t made time for it lately.
Step 2: Draw your ideal life garden
On a separate piece of paper, draw what your ideal life garden looks like, also using coloured blobs.
I like the metaphor of a garden because making this vision real will take attention and care. Importantly, an ideal life garden doesn’t mean eliminating all difficulties. Some of the most meaningful parts of life can also be emotionally demanding. The goal is not a perfectly easy life, but a life where the nourishing parts outweigh the draining ones overall.
To help you envision your ideal life garden, you can review your energy audit and ask yourself:
What do I notice about the current balance of colours in my life?
Which blobs align with my current values, needs, and desires? Which blobs don’t align?
Some blobs may have been important to you in the past, but may not be anymore. Some blobs may exist because of the expectations of others, not your own.
What blobs would I like to make smaller? What blobs would I like to make bigger?
You might realize that some things take a disproportionate amount of your energy compared to their importance.
What blobs would I like to add?
You might realize that some important things aren’t currently showing up in your life.
If you’ve got a high proportion of red blobs, you might consider adding more green blobs to create a better balance.
What blobs do I want to think differently about?
Some red areas can turn green through a change in mindset. You might realize that something that’s draining may actually be deeply aligned with your values or long-term goals, helping you feel less resentment and more motivation.
Bobby’s ideal life garden:
Work: Bobby would like a role that leverages his strengths and gives him a better work-life balance.
Grandma: Bobby realizes that being his grandma’s caregiver is an important duty. It’s a way for him to be of service and express his love. Although it’s emotionally difficult, he’d like to visit her even more regularly and learn how to care for her better.
Martha (cousin): Bobby would like to connect with Martha in ways that are mutually enjoyable for both of them.
Ryan (friend): He would love to have more regular climbing sessions with Ryan.
Art: Bobby wants to get back into painting and have his own art show one day.
Dating: He’d like to have a life partner and knows he needs to start meeting people, even if it’s a soul-sucking process.
Step 3: Start small, start now
With your ideal life garden, you now have a clear vision to move towards. Here’s how to start turning vision into reality:
Brainstorm 10 actions you can take to move towards your ideal life garden
Circle the actions that you’re most excited by and go do them!
If they’re not feeling doable yet, break them into smaller steps.
Bobby brainstorms and starts making small changes:
At the next meeting with his manager, he advocates for the ideal role he wants. He also starts looking through job postings online.
He visits grandma more often each week, with a deeper sense of purpose and responsibility. He joins a dementia caregiver group to learn best practices from others.
He has a conversation with Martha and she agrees not to call him to complain about things. They plan a bird-watching trip during the summer and are both excited about it.
He reaches out to Ryan, suggesting they have weekly climbing hangouts. Ryan enthusiastically says yes.
He signs up for an art class.
He creates an online dating profile.
Some actions will make an immediate impact on your life, others changes will take time. With patience, you will see your ideal life garden grow around you.
Lean on your community for accountability and support. Doing this exercise with others can be easier than doing it alone. I recently ran this as a workshop for a group of friends and we’ve committed to checking-in on our progress in a few months.
Allow your life garden to change as much as you do. In my twenties, my ideal life garden contained far more travel and adventure. Now, in my thirties, I feel most nourished by creative projects, quiet days, and deep relationships. As a multi-passionate, the kinds of creative projects that energize me can change month-to month. This brings me to the next point…
Make this exercise part of your routine. My friend Ashley shared her personal reflection on this:
“My garden looks so different now than when you first shared this exercise with me two years ago! Folks should consider doing these steps as part of their quarterly or annual reflection process. The gifts of this exercise don’t have to be one-off. It’s a tool that should be revisited regularly.”
Trust your own life garden
Each person’s life garden is unique - one person’s life garden may not suit another. That’s why a me-centred life requires honesty with yourself, rather than following someone else’s blueprint for happiness.
Here are some other life gardens for inspiration, based on real people I know:
Priti: “I’m a new mom and am very tired. My baby needs constant care, but he also brings me so much joy and purpose. My husband and I don’t have as much time for ourselves but we try to fit in a date night each week. It’s important for our relationship.”
Daniela: “I’m pulling long hours at my job, but honestly I don’t mind it at all. I love being challenged, doing something meaningful, and being around great people. My parents pressure me to find a partner, but my priority is studying to get into grad school. Running keeps me happy and grounded.”
In summary
We don’t need to abandon ourselves in order to care for others. In fact, a more me-centred life creates the conditions not only for greater joy, but also for deeper generosity. Instead of constantly reacting to the world around us, we can become the conscious creators of it.
One of my favourite quotes by philosopher Howard Thurman captures this beautifully:
“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
I hope the ideas in this essay help bring more richness to your life. If you end up doing the exercise, let me know how it goes!
If you liked this essay, you’ll probably like these too:
Written by me
[Essay] How To Grow A Thriving Garden of Relationships
If having healthier relationships is part of your ideal life garden, this is a good one to read. It includes a framework for energy auditing your relationships.
[Essay] Agile Dating - A Less Painful Way to Date
If finding a life partner is part of your ideal life garden, this can make the process easier.
[Book] Finding Your Authentic Self: An Illustrated Journey to Well-being
If you struggle with self-love and tuning into your true needs and desires, this can be a gentle guide. A picture book for all ages with journaling prompts and exercises. Many folks have gifted this to their friends and kids.
Written by others
[Book] You Have a Choice: Beyond Hard Work to Meaningful Impact
A great book by my friend Eric Nehrlich (former Google leader, now executive coach), written for high-achievers looking to redefine personal success. It explores similar themes to this essay, and includes many practical exercises and personal stories.
[Book] Designing Your Life: How to Build a Well-Lived, Joyful Life
Another great book that explores similar themes to this essay, based on a popular course at Stanford. Full of design thinking-inspired exercises for more self-awareness, life envisioning, and life prototyping.
[TV Show] Queer Eye
A joyful show about bringing “me-centred magic” to people who do so much for others, but not enough for themselves.
❤️ Thank-yous
This essay has been stewing in my Google Drive for a few years. Thanks to everyone who’s given me feedback across its many iterations: Suad Fakih, Joe Randel, Chris Coffman, Emma Cheung, Leslie Myint, Justin Nothling, Edmond Lau, Glen Lubbert, Crystal, Martina Ng, Kate, Bill Mei, Ashley Good, Amelia, Haddie, Rafal Dittwald, Aman, Jennifer, Sabrina, and Liza Futerman.
Lovely work, Jess. I see so many of your threads pulled together here. Well done, you. 💖
so happy to see this out in the world! hope other folks find it as useful as I have for living with a bit more intention.